Beards are Just Yoga Pants for Men

Yoga pants and beards alike are items of comfort and convenience — but is there another link between them that could shed a light on these post-millenium trends and our relation to them?

Let me explain. Every guy (and girl) remembers the first time they laid eyes on a pair of yoga pants or leggings in the wild. For me it wasn’t until college when the stretchy, form-fitting, workout attire first pulled my eyes in. It was an experience that made me think, “Wow, what if my mom saw a girl wearing a pair of those?!” Let alone wondering, “What if my sisters were wandering around in public with little left to the imagination as far as shape goes.” But before I knew it, leggings were everywhere.

Workout attire can be dated back to the invention of spandex in 1959. Those women back in the early 60’s weren’t exactly strutting around town in spandex like today, but the new stretchy pants certainly became iconic during the 1980’s and 1990’s. Since then, brands like Lululemon have become household names, and Nike recently attributed a $1 Billion increase in revenue in women’s clothes from 2010 to 2013 to the rise in popularity of leggings.

They became the norm, not just at the gym, but as casual wear. I mean, recently I had a first date with a young woman who I had been crushing on for quite some time (we’re talking like 2-3 weeks here). We had planned to go to dinner around 7. I didn’t set a hard time because I’m flexible and she wasn’t quite sure when she would be finished with work. I changed outfits probably 14 times as I waited for her arrival. I went from dark jeans and loafers with a dress shirt to a nice pair of oxfords, chinos and a navy blue blazer. I really couldn’t settle on the shirt under the blazer and that’s what took the longest. I had 3 shirts I liked, but I couldn’t figure out if I should tuck the shirt under the blazer or not. Finally, I picked a nice white shirt with light blue vertical stripes. It was sharp. I untucked it because I felt like the blazer was formal and I wanted to give the impression that I’m formal and know how to dress, but also I’m laid back and casual (yep, nailed it).

She was running late, which was fine because it took me an hour just to pick a shirt. When she arrived, she had trouble finding my apartment and for anyone living downtown or on a busy street, this is completely understandable. I called her to guide her where to go, then I spotted her across the street. She looked both ways (bonus points for safety), and gave it a light jog/brisk walk across the street in my direction. She was wearing a black, long sleeve, crop top shirt and a pair of black Lululemon leggings. Leggings, on a first date, to an above average but not quite upscale restaurant. The outfit worked. It worked so well. And the date went well.

Now, I’m not going to credit the date going well to the leggings. This is normal. Women wear leggings or yoga pants everywhere. In fact, many clothing and athletic wear manufacturers are producing leggings that are meant to be worn in a business casual and semi-formal environment. As much as women and men alike love yoga pants and the way they accentuate all the curves, there is a negative side here. A girl puts on a pair of yoga pants or leggings and she immediately adds +2 to her attractiveness. We’ve all been there. Saw someone from behind and were intrigued, but then from a different vantage point felt mislead but the way the leggings shaped and sucked in everything. I’m not here to beef with yoga pants and leggings. In fact, I love them. I wear tights myself almost every day to the gym. I love leggings and the confidence that they can give someone by making them look in the mirror and smile.

I’m here to beef with Beards. The Yoga Pants for men.

A beard hides the face. They are masks for the unattractive. Chiseled jawlines, high cheekbones, dimples, a sexy butt-chin. These are attractive characteristics of a man’s face. A beard hides the presence, or lack thereof, of ALL of those things. In the same way that yoga pants shape and sculpt the legs of a woman, a beard allows a man to shape and sculpt his face, becoming more attractive in doing so.

But Kyle, some of the most attractive men ever have had full, thick, luscious beards? What gives? Great point, and in 2017 Glamour Magazine rated the top 10 sexiest men of the year and EIGHT of them had beards. I cannot argue with that, but what I can argue is that they also look equally, if not more sexy, without a beard. Case in point, Jamie Dornan. I don’t like the 50 Shades franchise. I think it sucks. But he’s hot and he is pretty great in The Fall (on Netflix).

Aidan Turner? Same thing.

I don’t know how James McAvoy made the list but hey, same applies to him. But when we really consider the argument, should we include celebrity types? I don’t think so. You’re not Clooney, I’m not Clooney, so let’s just leave that to George.

The haters have 2 main arguments here.

  1. Kyle can’t grow a good beard, so he is a hater himself.
  2. I’m ugly, but I grow a good beard so obviously I’m gonna go with the beard.

In regard to number 1, I agree. I cannot grow a great beard. In fact, my beard only looks good as a five o’clock shadow. Over the course of my time at Ohio State, I grew close to several of my office mates. On occasion, I would neglect to shave for, we’ll call it, 5-7 days. During those times I would be greeted upon arrival with “What’s up Pube Face.” Needless to say, I understand that argument 1 may be valid, but does not prove my point to be false.

As for number 2, I cannot relate.

The simple truth here is that beards look great. They are manly. They are rugged. Women love them. While they may be slightly difficult to maintain, a beard is still easier to care for than shaving every day and indulging in a vigorous skin care and moisturizing routine. If beards look great, then why all the hate?

The first beards were used for two reasons, warmth and intimidation. A primal need to keep warm was the drive for the earliest men to grow a beard because scarves weren’t invented until Emperor Cheng Don of China had his warriors don the knit garment to establish rank. Suffice it to say, beards are just scarves. And I haven’t seen the Chinese army in formation marching against the US recently, plus it’s almost summer, so the need for a scarf/beard is null. If your reason for growing a beard is to intimidate then you have already lost. Intimidation is an outdated device that neither women nor men find attractive.

A beard is a tactic used by less attractive men to boost their attractiveness by +2. Beards are also used by very attractive men as a ‘switch up’ or ‘change of pace’, as you will. For an attractive man with strong features, good skin, and a chiseled jaw, growing a strong thick beard is simply throwing a changeup when the hitter expects a fastball. For an uglier man with a lack of skin care knowledge and a shaky shaving hand, a full thick beard is a cop out. It’s a mask. It’s a way to trick people into thinking that they are more attractive than reality. If this is your motivation for that bushy, robust, thick beard on your face then you, my friend, are a fraud.

1 thought on “Beards are Just Yoga Pants for Men

  1. I have to say, although this is well written and the points are valid, I don’t particularly understand why it is shameful to do something to make yourself more attractive. Everyone does this in one way or another. Women wear makeup to cover up flaws and blemishes. Does this argument mean that women who wear makeup are also frauds and not truly attractive without it? You mentioned earlier in the article that you like yoga pants and approve of women wearing them without judgement, but then disapprove of men growing beards (the apparent equivalent to yoga pants) by calling it a cop out. Seems unfair and illogical to me.

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